With the Anxiety Disorder

So. You're an actor, huh? And you've got an anxiety disorder you say? How's that workin' out for ya?

This is a conversation that I have with myself almost daily. For real, though. How does a person manage to be an actor with an anxiety problem? A craft that requires you to stand under lights on a stage being watched by hundreds.

Maybe thousands!  ...always the optimist.

I can't be the only one!

While I can't answer this question for ALL actors with anxiety problems, I do have a sort-of answer for myself... The fact is this. I'm more comfortable playing a character than I am playing myself. Couldn't tell you why, but if I have to make a speech or go to an audition, I'm terrified. Jittery, sweating, stuttering, and fidgeting. Can't help it. I just get nervous. This is one of the reasons I am a terrible auditioner. It's a wonder I ever get cast in anything!

Socially unacceptable?

It'd be easier for me to walk into Wal-Mart as Tom Wingfield, Aldolpho or Gay Hitler than it would be to walk in as Cody. Now obviously I can't walk into Wal-Mart as any of those people. But what I will do sometimes when the going gets tough is create a character. A version of me that is a better me, who isn't suffocated by tall ceilings or intimidated by gas station clerks and bank tellers.

Of course, I realize this is not unique. We are all complex beings who spend a great deal of time living in our own heads. ("Right?," he asked insecurely...)

We all have a cast of different versions of ourselves ready to go. I mean, you don't play the college party, "let's get wasted and destroy personal property" version of yourself when you go to a family picnic. You play the neat, tidy, successful version of yourself.



The problem I have with this (and maybe this isn't unique either) is that I'm so caught up with my characters I implement to bury the anxiety, that I sometimes back myself into little identity crisises. I tend to wonder if there is even a real me in there somewhere. Or if I even know who I actually am. Have I ever? Have the characters become more real to me than what is actually real? I feel like I've been disconnected from reality for a rather long time. Possibly since the late '90s...

Ah, nostalgia.

Anyway, I'm not too worried. I'm closer to reality now than I have ever recalled being. You just gotta accept yourself. Every version of yourself.


-Cody M.

That Theatre Guy

The fact that I'm writing on this page again is no mere accident. Fact is, I've had a bizarre year or two and it's taken me this long to sort of pick myself up again. I'm slowly getting back on track. Part of my process is that I try to do at least one project everyday. It keeps me busy and productive for we all know that idle hands are the devil's plaything.

Idle hands are also the plaything of 90's horror comedy.

With that in mind, I have finally got myself back into some theatre productions! An amazingly complex thing to do after burning many bridges and irreparably destroying my reputation. I have come to be known as someone not to be relied on... Hopefully I can surprise some people. Anyhow, I've got two things cooking for August.

First! I have been cast as the King of Hearts in a very dark, racy new rendition of Alice in Wonderland. The play was written by a good friend of mine and is tentatively titled Wonderland. Very exciting. Updates to come, but I won't give away much. Ya just gotta come and see it! Mid-late August!

I will say this, however. Don't bring your kids!

Additionally, I have been cast in a show for the Minnesota Fringe Festival 2013! This is a big deal for me. My second show in Minneapolis, but the first in a respected venue on Hennepin Ave. My friend and occasional director/producer John Newstrom has successfully entered the show—titled Schrödinger's Apocalypse—into the festival and that goes up at the New Century Theatre in early August.

To be involved in the Fringe fest this year is a dream come true. I've always wanted to go and see the shows each summer, but have been woefully unable to afford to. Now, not only am I in one of the shows, but I have a pass to see many of the other entries. Sounds like a good time to me!

I'm going to go ahead and end this post with the daily project I accomplished today. A video that was filmed quite a long time ago that I never did anything with. I didn't realize while making it how relevant it would become to my current state of affairs.

-Cody M.

Thought I was Dead, Didn't You?

So did I, at times. But I'm back and more alive than ever! Yeah... A lot of ongoing goings-on in the last 2 years, least of all the fact that I got spectacularly ill this last winter and have lost 100 lbs. since then.

Yowza...

Yes, that is the same person.

Oh, and also my fiancé left me and took $2,000 of my money along with her to Georgia. Which leads me to this very important lesson... If you're 21, you're too young to be engaged or get married. It was a disastrous mistake, exacerbated by the fact that my particular fiancé was the most manipulative person I've ever encountered. Now I can't pin ALL the blame on her. To be fair, I am the second most manipulative person I've ever encountered. So with that noxious combo-package, the entire relationship turned out to be a constant battle of manipulation. So if you're 21—or even younger than 25, let's say—you're too young. I don't care how mature you think your relationship is or how in love you are...too damn young. Moving on!

Today was a glorious sunny day in St. Cloud. I was on a walk and I couldn't help noticing that there were bugs EVERYWHERE. I think I forgot about bugs during the never-ending winter. The sad thing about this (and the reason I bring this up) is that my first instinct was to pull out my bug-catching net and capture some beetles to take to the museum. Confused? Wondering what kind of museum would be interested in live bugs that I caught? Well, it's this one.

Some of you may have been there before...

Yes, I have recently developed a small addiction to playing Animal Crossing on my 3DS. When I realized on my walk that no, I'm not the mayor of "LogeLand," and no, I don't have a net in my pocket, and no, there is no museum to bring live bugs to, my heart sank. Until I realized how ridiculous that was. And another thing! I don't even like bugs!!! Maybe I should play less video games... Not really so productive is it?


Anyway, I have to go play Animal Crossing now—I'm kidding! Although I might play for just a few minutes... Damn! Just imagine all the things I could accomplish. I know I do.

Until next time,

Cody M.