Being Homeless

Today I learned that being homeless is a competitive market.

Nice boots. You liar.

Let me start by saying that early this week, I started watching the first season of NBC's hit show from 2006, 'Heroes.' Last night, I watched the penultimate episode of the season and I decided to save the finale for today.

Here is the scenario. I put the last disc of the season into my DVD player. I go to the kitchen. I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I sit down on the couch. I hit play. I take a bite of my sandwich. And what do I hear as the opening credits of 'Heroes' starts to appear on my screen?

I hear a dumpster slamming, followed by the noise of cans rolling down the alley behind my apartment building. Great.

I go to my window, and as expected, I see a man in a dirty red t-shirt with grime all over his face going through my dumpster. Steal my garbage? Shame on you. Steal my garbage while totally ruining the finale of season 1 of 'Heroes?' Shame on me. I couldn't allow this. So I put on my shoes and headed out the door.

As I approached the freeloader raiding my trash, I noticed an interesting trait. He only had one arm. With unwavering determination, I continued my patriotic march towards this garbage terrorist.

America.

What happens next totally changed my understanding of homelessness. I started by asking the gentlemen just what the hell he thought he was doing. He informed me (in broken homeless English) that he was stealing cans so he could buy coffee at McDonalds for 50 cents. At least I think that's what he said...

Connection with homelessness?

As I was about to make a citizens arrest and curb stomp this trespassing SOB, he started muttering to himself. I heard some mention of the urgency of his situation. So I laughed loudly. How could someone with no home and no place to be have a sense of urgency or purpose. And then, revelation. He told me that he had to get to the other side of town before "Hickory" got all the cans for the day.

Eureka! Being homeless isn't something to despise at all! It's just business! The market is controlled by McDonalds! Every day, each of the 500 homeless people of St. Cloud, MN race each other to get as many of the discarded soda cans as they can. They recycle the cans for a few pennies until they can afford to walk to McDonalds and buy cheap coffee!

I patted the man on the back and personally gave him a boost into my dumpster.

Happy diving, my new smelly friend.

You see, if we all just took a moment to learn their ways, the homeless and normal people of the world could co-exist.

-Cody M. Logeland

P.S. Just to clear up confusion, this entire blog is sarcastic. I hate the homeless. ;)

P.P.S. Still no internet. Just kickin' it at the library. :p