With the Anxiety Disorder

So. You're an actor, huh? And you've got an anxiety disorder you say? How's that workin' out for ya?

This is a conversation that I have with myself almost daily. For real, though. How does a person manage to be an actor with an anxiety problem? A craft that requires you to stand under lights on a stage being watched by hundreds.

Maybe thousands!  ...always the optimist.

I can't be the only one!

While I can't answer this question for ALL actors with anxiety problems, I do have a sort-of answer for myself... The fact is this. I'm more comfortable playing a character than I am playing myself. Couldn't tell you why, but if I have to make a speech or go to an audition, I'm terrified. Jittery, sweating, stuttering, and fidgeting. Can't help it. I just get nervous. This is one of the reasons I am a terrible auditioner. It's a wonder I ever get cast in anything!

Socially unacceptable?

It'd be easier for me to walk into Wal-Mart as Tom Wingfield, Aldolpho or Gay Hitler than it would be to walk in as Cody. Now obviously I can't walk into Wal-Mart as any of those people. But what I will do sometimes when the going gets tough is create a character. A version of me that is a better me, who isn't suffocated by tall ceilings or intimidated by gas station clerks and bank tellers.

Of course, I realize this is not unique. We are all complex beings who spend a great deal of time living in our own heads. ("Right?," he asked insecurely...)

We all have a cast of different versions of ourselves ready to go. I mean, you don't play the college party, "let's get wasted and destroy personal property" version of yourself when you go to a family picnic. You play the neat, tidy, successful version of yourself.



The problem I have with this (and maybe this isn't unique either) is that I'm so caught up with my characters I implement to bury the anxiety, that I sometimes back myself into little identity crisises. I tend to wonder if there is even a real me in there somewhere. Or if I even know who I actually am. Have I ever? Have the characters become more real to me than what is actually real? I feel like I've been disconnected from reality for a rather long time. Possibly since the late '90s...

Ah, nostalgia.

Anyway, I'm not too worried. I'm closer to reality now than I have ever recalled being. You just gotta accept yourself. Every version of yourself.


-Cody M.

That Theatre Guy

The fact that I'm writing on this page again is no mere accident. Fact is, I've had a bizarre year or two and it's taken me this long to sort of pick myself up again. I'm slowly getting back on track. Part of my process is that I try to do at least one project everyday. It keeps me busy and productive for we all know that idle hands are the devil's plaything.

Idle hands are also the plaything of 90's horror comedy.

With that in mind, I have finally got myself back into some theatre productions! An amazingly complex thing to do after burning many bridges and irreparably destroying my reputation. I have come to be known as someone not to be relied on... Hopefully I can surprise some people. Anyhow, I've got two things cooking for August.

First! I have been cast as the King of Hearts in a very dark, racy new rendition of Alice in Wonderland. The play was written by a good friend of mine and is tentatively titled Wonderland. Very exciting. Updates to come, but I won't give away much. Ya just gotta come and see it! Mid-late August!

I will say this, however. Don't bring your kids!

Additionally, I have been cast in a show for the Minnesota Fringe Festival 2013! This is a big deal for me. My second show in Minneapolis, but the first in a respected venue on Hennepin Ave. My friend and occasional director/producer John Newstrom has successfully entered the show—titled Schrödinger's Apocalypse—into the festival and that goes up at the New Century Theatre in early August.

To be involved in the Fringe fest this year is a dream come true. I've always wanted to go and see the shows each summer, but have been woefully unable to afford to. Now, not only am I in one of the shows, but I have a pass to see many of the other entries. Sounds like a good time to me!

I'm going to go ahead and end this post with the daily project I accomplished today. A video that was filmed quite a long time ago that I never did anything with. I didn't realize while making it how relevant it would become to my current state of affairs.

-Cody M.

Thought I was Dead, Didn't You?

So did I, at times. But I'm back and more alive than ever! Yeah... A lot of ongoing goings-on in the last 2 years, least of all the fact that I got spectacularly ill this last winter and have lost 100 lbs. since then.

Yowza...

Yes, that is the same person.

Oh, and also my fiancé left me and took $2,000 of my money along with her to Georgia. Which leads me to this very important lesson... If you're 21, you're too young to be engaged or get married. It was a disastrous mistake, exacerbated by the fact that my particular fiancé was the most manipulative person I've ever encountered. Now I can't pin ALL the blame on her. To be fair, I am the second most manipulative person I've ever encountered. So with that noxious combo-package, the entire relationship turned out to be a constant battle of manipulation. So if you're 21—or even younger than 25, let's say—you're too young. I don't care how mature you think your relationship is or how in love you are...too damn young. Moving on!

Today was a glorious sunny day in St. Cloud. I was on a walk and I couldn't help noticing that there were bugs EVERYWHERE. I think I forgot about bugs during the never-ending winter. The sad thing about this (and the reason I bring this up) is that my first instinct was to pull out my bug-catching net and capture some beetles to take to the museum. Confused? Wondering what kind of museum would be interested in live bugs that I caught? Well, it's this one.

Some of you may have been there before...

Yes, I have recently developed a small addiction to playing Animal Crossing on my 3DS. When I realized on my walk that no, I'm not the mayor of "LogeLand," and no, I don't have a net in my pocket, and no, there is no museum to bring live bugs to, my heart sank. Until I realized how ridiculous that was. And another thing! I don't even like bugs!!! Maybe I should play less video games... Not really so productive is it?


Anyway, I have to go play Animal Crossing now—I'm kidding! Although I might play for just a few minutes... Damn! Just imagine all the things I could accomplish. I know I do.

Until next time,

Cody M.

I'm Not Dead...Yet

Hey, just an update to emphasize the fact that I am not dead. I still don't have internet at my new apartment because I just can't afford it.

And even if I could afford it, I wouldn't have been able to blog much because 'Reefer Madness' basically ate up my whole month. On the bright side, it was a wonderful show. We had great audiences and everyone loved it. And tonight was our last show!!

Another show completed. :)  I'm developing quite the resume.

Anyhow, I'm at work right now, so I better get off the computer and actually do some work.

Ciao for now,

Cody M. Logeland

Being Homeless

Today I learned that being homeless is a competitive market.

Nice boots. You liar.

Let me start by saying that early this week, I started watching the first season of NBC's hit show from 2006, 'Heroes.' Last night, I watched the penultimate episode of the season and I decided to save the finale for today.

Here is the scenario. I put the last disc of the season into my DVD player. I go to the kitchen. I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I sit down on the couch. I hit play. I take a bite of my sandwich. And what do I hear as the opening credits of 'Heroes' starts to appear on my screen?

I hear a dumpster slamming, followed by the noise of cans rolling down the alley behind my apartment building. Great.

I go to my window, and as expected, I see a man in a dirty red t-shirt with grime all over his face going through my dumpster. Steal my garbage? Shame on you. Steal my garbage while totally ruining the finale of season 1 of 'Heroes?' Shame on me. I couldn't allow this. So I put on my shoes and headed out the door.

As I approached the freeloader raiding my trash, I noticed an interesting trait. He only had one arm. With unwavering determination, I continued my patriotic march towards this garbage terrorist.

America.

What happens next totally changed my understanding of homelessness. I started by asking the gentlemen just what the hell he thought he was doing. He informed me (in broken homeless English) that he was stealing cans so he could buy coffee at McDonalds for 50 cents. At least I think that's what he said...

Connection with homelessness?

As I was about to make a citizens arrest and curb stomp this trespassing SOB, he started muttering to himself. I heard some mention of the urgency of his situation. So I laughed loudly. How could someone with no home and no place to be have a sense of urgency or purpose. And then, revelation. He told me that he had to get to the other side of town before "Hickory" got all the cans for the day.

Eureka! Being homeless isn't something to despise at all! It's just business! The market is controlled by McDonalds! Every day, each of the 500 homeless people of St. Cloud, MN race each other to get as many of the discarded soda cans as they can. They recycle the cans for a few pennies until they can afford to walk to McDonalds and buy cheap coffee!

I patted the man on the back and personally gave him a boost into my dumpster.

Happy diving, my new smelly friend.

You see, if we all just took a moment to learn their ways, the homeless and normal people of the world could co-exist.

-Cody M. Logeland

P.S. Just to clear up confusion, this entire blog is sarcastic. I hate the homeless. ;)

P.P.S. Still no internet. Just kickin' it at the library. :p

Are You Still Out There, World?

I still don't have internet. And you know what? All this time without the internet has really made me appreciate the internet. Lately, I have hardly spent any time at all on a computer. No mindless Facebook updates, no endless Wikipedia searches.

I love you, Wikipedia.

You might say that not having the internet has made me a better, more productive human being.

That being said, I want the f*cking internet back now!! I can't take it anymore! I never know what is going on in the world! If a favorite celebrity died, how would I hear about it? If a friend is throwing a party, how will I know about it? I am totally out of the loop on current events! It's SO FRUSTRATING!

Grrr... Anyway, rehearsals for Reefer Madness are going well. We are nearly done blocking the first act. I have got a lot of work to do on one of the dance numbers... Apparently, I am un-coordinated.

Who would've thought?

Also, I seem to get really sweaty when I dance. I've tried several things to remedy this. I won't go in to detail, but none of them have worked.

(These are not actual pictures of Reefer rehearsal. Just FYI.)

So here is some big news (and yes, this news is big to me when I live with no internet!). I finally re-arranged and re-alphabetized by DVD collection!! It is such a momentous event. It happens about twice a year and I have to say, nothing is better looking than a sharply maintained DVD collection.

Oh! And I am also excited about this... On June 19th (which isn't that far away!), Nintendo will be releasing "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" on the Nintendo 3DS portable gaming system!!!!!!!!!!! This is important for several reasons.

For one thing, I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and buy a Nintendo 3DS. I haven't owned a gameboy since I became uncool in early 2001. That's ten years, people.

Secondly, only in my wildest dreams would I ever be able to play "LOZ: Ocarina of Time" on a portable gaming device! You have no idea how many childhood car rides were spent wishing that I could be playing Zelda. WELL!! Apparently all of those useless years praying to the God of video games has payed off! I haven't played a video game in SUCH a long time. This will change... Verily it will be so.

Unfortunately, money is an important factor in this venture... Money which I don't have. In fact, I am currently living off of borrowed funds as it is. Not to mention the fact that I owe St. Cloud State University $600 by the end of the month... But after that is out of the way, nothing can stop me!!!!! Except for bills... Mountains and mountains of bills....

God, my life really sucks, I guess.

Well, I don't know when I will get the chance to blog next, so until then, adieu.

-Cody M. Logeland

Reefer Madness!

Well, as those of you who regularly read my blog know, I recently auditioned for a musical called 'Reefer Madness!'

"Oh so mad!"

 I figured I would finally unveil the results of that audition, especially since the first rehearsal is tomorrow. So without further ado, (drum-roll, please?) I got cast in the lead role!! You heard correctly. I will be appearing onstage in a live production of 'Reefer Madness' as The Lecturer!

"Do your children enjoy...jazz music?"

I was so excited when I got cast about a week and a half ago, that I went ahead and memorized my first monologue already. Gonna get a head start on this epic show.

In other news, I am almost completely moved into my new apartment. No pictures to upload, yet. Already, I like it way more than my old one. Still no internet, though. Hoping to remedy that soon...if fate and my wallet will allow.

Not much else going on. Just extremely tired. I think in my next post, I will detail my sudden rediscovery of video games. After 3 years of inactivity, I am starting to get hooked again...

Love,

Cody M. Logeland